Some of you out there may have heard my co-host Cory spouting some seriously uncool things about grass and its value. Some of you may have thought this whole tirade was somehow funny or entertaining. I am writing today to tell you that grass is not pointless, but rather beneficial to health, both mental and physical, and positive for society as a whole. Bashing grass is not only unacceptable, it is also egregiously un-American.
This is the case for grass.
To many of you out there, the benefits and net positive effects of grass on nearly every aspect of life is self evident. This article is for those among you that breath through your mouths and exist only as parasites on society. By this articles end, you will see the error of your ways.
Grass Smells Good
Have you ever been walking home from Church on a beautiful, American Sunday morning (or perhaps to a ball game or your grandma’s house for some delicious apple pie) and breathed in the saccharine bliss that is a freshly mowed lawn? You know, in that moment, that life has meaning. You understand, for even the briefest of seconds, the universe and your place in it.
According to statistics, smelling this aroma has some additional benefits to the society around you. 100% of people that smell freshly mowed grass go on to get married, have a loving family, a long life, and never commit crimes, ever[source needed]. Now the opposition will have you believe that time spent mowing the lawn is time stolen from elsewhere in life, but consider this: is it not better, now knowing the facts, to enrich your family and society around you through the simple act of mowing the lawn?
Grass Teaches Valuable Life Lessons
Meditate for a moment, if you will, on the purpose behind mowing the lawn. Why does one mow the lawn? Why should one mow the lawn? Why must one mow the lawn? When must one mow the lawn? How should one mow the lawn?
Now, I realize that these ancient questions are so deep, so powerful that we still wrestle with them today. However, at the core of every human being lie the answers to these conundrums so guided by our consciousness. Why one mows the lawn is because the lawn needs mowing. One should mow the lawn, because the lawn it not only serves to bolster society and look neat and tidy, but also to remind one how precious grass truly is. One must mow the lawn, because the lawn will not mow itself. The lawn should be mowed when it is getting too long and overgrown. One should mow the lawn with whatever tools he finds to be best suited for the job. For my 20 acres of emerald, well oiled safety scissors and a beard comb get the job done. How do I have the time, you ask? I have learned through great contemplation and effort that to truly mow the lawn, one must never cease mowing the lawn. I understand that for many, this is difficult to wrap your head around. One day, you too may become so enlightened, if you just mow your lawn when it needs it.
To you naysayers, now screeching and groaning at the prospect of any amount of philosophical thought, I will put it to you this way: Do you know what kinds of people have unkempt lawns? People with something to hide. Rapists. Serial killers. Shut-ins. Child molesters. Would you want to be seen as a serial killing shut-in child molester rapist? I think not.
They say that idle hands are the devil’s playthings, and your hands would not be idle if you tend to your overgrown acreage.
You Can Spill Beer On Grass and It Will Not Become Sticky
Say, you’re having a cookout with the fellas. Johnny brought steaks, Bobby brought some soda pops, Davy brought his mom’s blue ribbon winning peach cobbler, and Ol’ Mr. Johnson brought his home brewed All-American Pilsner. Ol’ Mr. Johnson has a touch of the shakes though, so while fumbling for the tab, he cracks the beer and drops it straight onto your perfectly trimmed St. Augustine sod. You may for a moment, feel an incredible rage pour over you; the temptation to treat that enfeebled old man to a knuckle sandwich may, at that moment, seem like a reasonable recourse. Now, if Ol’ Mr. Johnson had spilled paint or gasoline, I would agree. After that initial wave passes, however, you will no doubt remember that you have a natural lawn and not some damnable AstroTurf or rubber nuggets. You see, Ol’ Mr. Johnson’s beer won’t dry and make your grass sticky, on the contrary, it will be absorbed as nutrients and become part of the circle of life.
If you did have something as foolish as AstroTurf, well, then you may be dealing with quadruple homicide charges while making a dash for the nearest border.
Grass Is An American Institution
Nothing screams freedom quite like a even, beautiful lawn. Grass is a piece of the American Dream. It’s grass that guides that desire deep inside you to own land. Would you want to own a lot full of wood chips or plastic? That would be ludicrous, and anyone that says otherwise is lying or insane. When you own a lawn, something inside you changes. It awakens in you a patriotic duty so fierce that no red-blooded American can resist. Suddenly, you own a piece of baseball or football, or the local park. All these great pastimes that have made our country great and your yard now share the greatest commonality: grass.
The opposition would have you remove this precious responsibility in favor of something more ‘convenient’ or ‘easy.’ I do not have to tell you that nothing worth anything in life comes easy. Grass is a sacred responsibility, and best of all, it is your responsibility as a healthy American. To take away grass not only damages your country, but you as well.
It would be easier to pawn off the care (or even removal) of grass on the government, sure, but is giving more power to the state what you want? Duty and responsibility and the acceptance of both is what makes our country strong. To leave it up to the government sounds an awful lot like COMMUNISM. Now, I am not saying that my dear friend and co-host Cory is literally Stalin. I’m just saying that he has some Stalin-like tendencies. You wouldn’t let Stalin own your lawn, would you?
If You Stumble and Fall On Grass, It Doesn’t Hurt Too Bad
We’ve all been there. You zig when you should zag, the sun was in your eyes, someone put a stump in your yard. No matter the cause, people trip and fall at some point in their lives. If you fall on AstroTurf, you end up being stabbed by one million tiny plastic daggers and are thusly rewarded with a nasty rug burn. If you fall on would chips, you be skewered by wooden spikes. If you fall on rubber chips, you’ll probably get cancer. But, if you fall on grass, a chorus of nature’s helpers will catch you and ease you down to the grounds with minimal damage to your body. Sure, your pride might be harmed, but that mental wound will disappear as soon as you remember that you have your own lawn.
Now, dear reader, it it my utmost desire that you will walk away from your computer-machine with a reinvigorated love for grass. To those naysayers among you that remain unconvinced, I will say only this: come on, man.
It is my greatest fear that one day society will turn its back on grass in favor of something it deems to be more expedient. That day, if it comes, will surely mark the end of the free, American world as we know it. Fellow patriots, please heed my statements written out here. Think not what your lawn can do for you, but what you can do for your lawn. If you feel inclined to now recite the Pledge of Allegiance in your home or workplace, I would tell you to not only follow that urge, but also to encourage those around you in joining in.
God Bless America, and God Bless Grass.
